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This year… it has been 3 years since I decide to let that person go from my life. But somehow, I found myself started to recall all those memories when I was still with him. He… was a person who brought the colors back to my dull life, who made me said that I could love myself, pulled me back to the ground, but also the man who made me close my heart and let it frozen.

Probably it all started from my conversation with one of my friend on the bus last night, during our journey home. At the moment, my friend had a quarrel with her boyfriend on the phone. And out from no where, I started to tell her about me and that person. Ever since then, I started to recall all my memories with him. Then, I realized that, even though I tried to chase away every thing about him from my sight, but I still love him. And that fact, made me feel disappointed.

I didn’t deny that there was a happy feeling when I recall the day. But the fact that I can’t have him anymore, made me disappointed and sad. But I wanted to see him again, even though I know that I cannot do so.

The vibration from my mobile phone broke my mind. I found my self stared at my PC monitor with my fingers on the keyboard. When I looked at the monitor, I found my own writings about my feeling for the matter on my personal blog. I even didn’t realize that I already published it.

Again, my mobile phone rang. I could not ignore it anymore. I took it and open it. There’s a very familiar name, appeared on my mobile phone screen. I released a sigh then answered the call.

“Hello. Takahiro-san?”

“Why it take you so long to answer my call?” The guy that I called Takahiro said.

“I’m so sorry about that.”

“Are you alright?” He asked with worried tone.

“I’m fine.” I replied him.

“Really?”

“Yes.” I tried to convince him. But I always wonder why Takahiro always a little bit sensitive with my feelings, as if he can detect something wrong occur me.

“I’m really, really fine.” I said. “Then why do you call me?” I tried to shift our conversation direction from my feelings.

“Ah, I just want to hear your voice. It’s been a long time since the last time we met, right?”

“Ah, yes.” I said as I smiled.

Ah, about Takahiro. He’s the guy that… well, I can say that I was dating with him at the present. He’s 2 years younger than me, unlike that person who was 8 years older than me. I must admit that Takahiro have cute and good-looking face with sweet and charming smile. He’s also a singer and an idol. And regarding to all these things, I always confused why he wants to be friended with me.

I do remember… about more than one year ago, when my girl friends forced me out with them to a party where I met Takahiro. At that moment, I just found out that the person already married one month ago, on February. I was very upset about it and unwillingly to open my self for any men. I always considered them no more than a friend. And for that reason, my friends pulled me out from my apartment and forced me to come to the party.

And there I am, at that time, I found my self walked to a restaurant with my friends. I stopped and looked at the four girls who walked in the front of me. All my girl friends seemed so exciting and enthusiast with the meeting. They even dressed up as best as they could, while I just used my simple plain dress and make-ups. Exactly I never like to come to that kind of meeting. But I didn’t know why my friends were every forceful that time, until I couldn’t say no to them. I was even sure that they will drag me out from the apartment if I insisted to stay.

“Come on, Lia.”

One of my friend looked at me who was standing and seem very reluctant to come. She came to me and pulled me to come inside. I was forced to come along.

“Wait a second.” I said while draw my hand back.

The four girls looked at me.

“I still don’t know whether I want to go or not.” I said.

One of them, who were sharing the same apartment with me, came to me and put her hands on my both shoulders. Her name was Mika and I often called her Mika-chan. She released a sigh then looked at me.

“Listen to me, Lia.” She said. “You must to get out from your shell. Besides, we will have a great time. Consider it as an interlude between your jobs.”

I sighed. “Alright.” I gave up.

Then, I let them dragged me to a room. When the door opened, there were 5 guys waiting for us. I didn’t know how old they were, but probably not too far from my age. I couldn’t guess it by the look.

Some of them stood up and cheered when we came while one of them still on his chair and smile to see his friends’ enthusiasms. It seemed that they already knew my friends. Mika dragged me to the table and asked the guys whether I can join them on the party or not. The guys seemed very eager and said yes. Then, Mika pushed me to sit beside her and started to introduce her friends to the others. One of them, I recognized him as Mika’s boyfriend, Yutaka. I ever met him some times.

And then, the time came where Takahiro, who sat in the front of me, had to introduce himself.

I did remember that my friends became noisy because they recognized Takahiro as a new vocalist from an idol group. They even asked why the guys know Takahiro. It seemed that Yutaka and Takahiro were colleagues on the same beauty salon before Takahiro joined the idol group. My friends became noisy again and praised him a lot. I just forced my self to smile along with them then dropped my eyes to the table.

Honestly, I never have any interests with those kinds of thing. I never flailed over something such as an idol or stuffs, like all the fans out there. On my mind, I only had one thing. I wanted to get out from that place as soon as possible and got home quickly.

When I lifted up my eyes, I saw Takahiro’s eyes directed to me. Of course it made me feel uncomfortable. I must admit that Takahiro have cute and good-looking face. His body was tall and well taken care of. He also had sweet smile, especially with dimple on his chubby cheek. He has low voice but comforting. Overall, I think he’s perfect as a man but I didn’t take any interest to him. I really don’t want to accept any other guys and to get in touch with them.

“Nee, Mika.” I finally called Mika.

Mika looked at me.

“I think I’d better get home now.”

“Why?” She seemed confuse.

“My head start to ache.” I saw her. “And I think it’s better if I never be here from the first place.”

“But…” Mika seemed wanting to prevent me from leaving.

“I’m going home first, okay.” I put my glass down to the table and stood up.

Everyone on the room became silent and looked at me. I ignored them and took my coat and also my bag then walked away from the room. When I walked away, I could hear one of the guys asked about my strange behaviors. I didn’t care what they said about me. I walked out then closed the door.

Outside the restaurant, I stopped and exhaled. I felt that my head started to throb. I always felt it when ever I was in the middle of crowded place too long. I dropped my head and held my forehead. It really became painful. But, inside of my heart, I also could feel a pain that oppressive my chest.

“Are you alright?”

I quickly lifted my head and turn my gaze when I heard that low voice. I was almost ready to ignore the person, who said the words, if I found out that he was someone that I didn’t know. But, I found myself looking at Takahiro who walked closer to me and stopped at my side. He seemed worry about me.

“Ah,” I said as I lowered my hand and dropped my gaze to the floor beneath my feet. “I’m fine.”

He bent to look closer at my face. He noticed that I looked pale and unwell. “But it seems like that you’re unwell.”

“I…” I lifted my face and looked at him. “I’m fine. Thank you for worrying about me. And I think you’d be better to return inside now.”

“But your face looks a little bit pale.” He said. “I’d better take you home.” He looked at the street to find a taxi.

I even didn't have a chance to stop him when he came to the roadside to stop a taxi. To see him open the taxi’ door and turn to see me; I thought I don’t have any choose other than to let him took me home. I released a sigh and went in to the taxi. Takahiro went in too after me. I told the destination to the driver and the taxi drove away.

During the way home, I just looked out side and kept a distance with him. I also said nothing and Takahiro did too. He chose not to disturb me. But from the reflection of the window glass on the front of me, I could see that he was trying to start a conversation with me but I was totally ignoring him so he chose to stay silent.

When the taxi arrived at the front of my apartment, I paid the taxi and told the driver to keep the change for taking him home, and then I saw Takahiro. “Arigatou.” I said with plain and coldly tone then I went out from the taxi.

I went out and walked to the apartment building. But my steps were stopped because I heard him calling my name. I turned and looked at him. He already out from the taxi.

“Can I see you again?” He asked.

“I don’t know.” I replied.

“I’ll call you later.”

I didn’t reply him and just turned my body to walk again. At the moment, I hoped that he never did such of things or even showed himself in the front on me anymore. But, he actually did call me. I didn’t know how he could get my number. I thought he must have got it from my friends.

At the beginning, I never perceived him, and even rejected his calls because I thought that he was annoyed me. But somehow, he never gave up. Mika suggested that I should have received his call so he never bothers me anymore. Because of that, I finally answered the call. And although, I answered his calls, I still reluctant to open my self or even met him.

But suddenly, he appeared on the front of my office and asked me out for lunch together. I was rejected the offer but he was so persistence until I gave up and agreed to have a lunch with him. But then, I found that talking with him was easier than I thought. He even could make me feel ashamed because he teased me. He also managed to make me smiled and laughed because of his jokes.

“Ah, it’s the first time.” He said when he saw me laugh.

“E?”

“It’s the first time I see you smile.” He said again.

I bit my lower lips because of it and tried not to smile again.

“I don’t know why but I already expect that you look cuter when you’re smiling or laughing.”

I felt shame with his praise. “Arigatou.” I said while bent my head down.

Ever since then, being friends with Takahiro seemed so easy for me. I went out with him often and even could guess that he had a feeling to me. There was a time when I felt afraid to face him because of his feeling for me. But he never gave me a chance to run away and to avoid him. It’s just… until now; I still couldn’t see him more than just a friend. And as the time goes by, I found that I already be with him more than a year.